I love listening to people's private conversations. Washing glasses in the taproom gives me the perfect opportunity to tune in to your intimate chatter; I look focused while I'm rinsing away yet I'm totally listening to your every word. TLC’s “Creep” is my jam. Aside from hearing about how your beloved hamster just died or how you strongly believe Justin Bieber is prettier than those guys in One Direction, a lot of what I hear is beer talk and a lot of what you say is bullshit. Let me clear some things up for you.
Well, what do you mean by "light"? The color of a beer does not determine the intensity, ABV, or amount of calories. It comes from the grain used in the brewing process, some of which, for darker beers, is roasted or stewed beforehand. Take None More Black, our Belgo-American black ale, as an example. How much darker could it be? None. It comes in at 7.5% ABV, lingers near the top of the IBU scale, and has a subtle chocolatey flavor and yeasty funk, balanced with big pine-resin aroma from the hops. It's also about as dry as a beer can get, meaning there is very little sugar left after fermentation. If calories are your biggest concern, you're better off drinking None More Black than some of our lightest-colored beers like Scareball or Oxford Comma.
Aw, hell no. The colder the beer, the more desensitized your tastebuds are, and the less you taste. The standard temperature for storing and serving beer is 38 degrees. The best temperature for drinking anything other than pale lagers is going to be warmer than that--a little bit for hefeweizen, for example, and a whole lot for barleywine or imperial stout. Whatever the case, when you have the time to sit, sip, and savor, allow your beer to warm in your hands. You'll get more aroma and malt character as it opens up. However, if you happen to find yourself at some awful party where they only have Natty Ice, chill the shit out of it to mask the flavor and work on getting some new friends.
Every time I hear this I push a sample of Snaggletooth Bandana in the person’s face. Yes, IPAs will be more bitter than pretty much any other pale beer, but trying one does not mean you’ve tried them all. Next time you find a make-your-own-six-pack shop, grab some different IPAs. Dogfish Head 60 Minute is much more malt-balanced than Lagunitas IPA, for example, much like Kidnapped by Vikings, crafted for cooler weather, has more body and balance than Snaggletooth. Read my lips: bitterness is not the dominant quality in many IPAs. The hop flavor and aroma in Snaggletooth give off a bold, citrusy tang that is perceived more strongly than the beer's bitterness. The perception of bitterness also decreases as you work your way through a pint, so stick with it. If you don’t believe me, ask my mom. She thought she hated IPAs and was scared to give up her beloved Blue Moon. Now Snaggletooth is her absolute favorite beer.
As Mother England taught us this week, bigger is not always better. If we did as you wished and served Ticklefight, our 11%-ABV barleywine, in a sixteen-ounce glass, you would be done for the night after one serving, we would call you a cab, and it would be embarrassing for you to come pick your car up in the morning after thinking you were tough stuff. Beers are served in specific glasses based on the overall intensity, ABV, and aromatic profile of a given style of beer. Not all beer is meant to be drunk the same way, at the same pace, in the same quantities. We’re not trying to rip you off, I promise. But if you're still skeptical, there's always this great value.
Nice try, tough guy. Way back when, fruit and various spices were common additions to beer. Cranberries, juniper, rye, honey, all of these were added in and thoroughly enjoyed by your strong, manly ancestors. Hops didn't become fashionable until fire was cheap and easy; only boiled hops have the preservative and bittering qualities that keep beer fresh and balance its sweetness. Sometime between then and now, Parliament levied a tax on hops and banned all its alternatives. So your comfort with hops and aversion to fruit really only shows that you like following orders. Now go try Dude, Hold My Purse. I dare you to tell me it's not manly enough for you.
Shit SOBs Say is just that, stupid shit that the Solemn Oath Brewery crew is caught saying. Sometimes it’s big shit, and sometimes it’s little shit, but I’ll dish it out here at Sob Stories in heaping piles. Sometimes that shit comes from you. Check back in a few weeks for more.