One night, as we were closing down the taproom, I asked Lou a simple and direct question, “What are you looking for in a soulmate, Lou?”
Lou chuckled and didn’t answer.
I don’t know. I’m not really looking for anything in particular.
“So you wouldn’t care if they were taller than you? That wouldn’t bother you?” (Lou is approximately 6’2”)
Well, yeah... that would bother me. So I guess I’m looking for someone shorter than me.
“There we go. Let’s start a list. What else?”
I don’t know.
“What if they had super long hair, like past their butt? Or if they had no hair at all? Would you care if they had shorter hair than you?”
They can always cut it. But I guess I would like them to have hair.
“Bam.” And I added to the list, “someone not bald.”
Now someone shorter than Lou with hair is not that hard to come by. I knew we needed to narrow it down a bit more. I proceeded to bug Lou. I had made it my mission to find Lou a soulmate. Previously, I had set up two of my friends and although their relationships eventually ended, they had both lasted at least two years. Basically I’m an amazing matchmaker with a two-year guarantee.
“So, Lou... give me more things to add to the ‘What Lou Wants (In A Soulmate)’ list.”
I have no idea.
“Come on. Yes you do”
I really don’t know.
“What if their favorite band was Nickelback? Or Creed? Or something else awful?”
That would suck. But, at least they like music. I could train them to like good music.
I added to the list, “someone who likes music.”
“Okay, so are you a dog or a cat person?”
Dog person. Definitely. I hate cats.
“So, I’ll put down ‘dog person.’”
No, they can still like cats. They just have to like dogs more.
“Do you like makeup?”
They shouldn’t wear a lot of makeup.
“What if their favorite beer is Miller Lite or something?”
I could introduce them to good beer. I could train them to like it.
I added, “someone who is trainable.”
So far, on the “What Lou Wants (In A Soulmate)” list, this what we’ve got:
Next time you’re in the taproom and Lou is working, get some more information out of him. Don’t leave him alone until he spills one more qualification and then e-mail it to me immediately: firstname.lastname@example.org
Also, e-mail me if you meet Lou’s qualifications and would like to be set up.
Shit SOBs Say is just that, stupid shit that the Solemn Oath Brewery crew is caught saying. Sometimes it’s big shit, and sometimes it’s little shit, but I’ll dish it out here at Sob Stories in heaping piles. Check back in a few weeks for more.