We made a shitload of beer! Cheers!
Probably the night of my first wedding anniversary. We had some amazing Italian at Cafe Firenze in Moorpark, California, along with some very satisfying beer. My wife had a wonderful time, so I felt like had a good handle on this whole husband thing. Then later that night, we conceived a human being! Yep, a pretty darn good evening.
I don’t know. Free daycare? Working from home? Less work? Free cellphone? Uhm, paid vacation, meaning you pay for the trip? Free gym and trainer? Are you reading this, Barleys?
That’s easy, Homer Simpson. He’s the world’s biggest glutton and faces little to no consequences for any of his ignorant, selfish actions. He’s the American dream.
Contain flatulence. It’s meant to be free. I like to work in a free-range flatulence environment.
I got our team captain at a scholastic bowl competition in college to guess “necrophilia” as an answer to a question about phrenology. I’ve never seen an auditorium full of nerds laugh as hard since.
Well, we were at a competition at Marquette in ‘97. It was the first year that Joliet Junior College competed in Scholastic Bowl. We were the only two-year school involved and we were slaughtered by all the larger schools like Northwestern, UIC, U of C, Marquette, UW-Oshkosh, UW-Inbreeding, etc. Our team captain was Doug Pryor, who had attended Minooka High School with me. We fought some tough battles together in math club. Anyway in this tournament, If you answered a question correctly, then your team was awarded a bonus question that they could discuss and the captain would announce your answer. It was one of the final rounds so the auditorium was full with the rest of the other school’s teams. I knew the answer was phrenology, but could not come up with the word. After a long day of guessing almost every answer, Doug just repeated whatever I told him. I said "necrophilia" as a joke to make him laugh, but without any hesitation he grabbed the microphone and repeated it loud and clear. Pause. Blank stares. 300 nerds erupting in laughter.
You know that solemn gorilla that just sits behind the glass and stares at you. Into your soul, learning all of your secrets. Then right when you couldn’t possibly feel anymore naked or vulnerable, that gorilla slowly and lazily picks it’s nose. Illustrating in one action just how important you are to this universe. That’s my jam.
It’s a tie. When I worked for the caption agency in California, I got everyone in the office to refer to diarrhea as “Big Trouble in Little China.” And just this week, I suggested “The Royal Turd” as a beer name. Both are high points in my professional career and illustrate the type of asset that I am to the brewery.
Not sure, you tell me...
Crotchless panties A feminine, lacy teddy ** Nothing (Duh)
Rumpled, like you just had sex in it Princess-like, with pretty pillows ** Fur, layers and layers of fur. Bear fur
** Sip beer in a candlelit bath (fully clothed) Shop online for clothes and makeup Dial all of your girls to hit a club
Excitedly scarf four in a row Resist temptation and stash them ** None of your business (the first answer, probably)
His chest and shoulders -- they make you feel safe and protected ** His package, of course (package means beard, right?) His lips -- they’re just so sensual
Sneak backstage to hit on him Ignore it. He’s not “dating material” ** Smile back naughtily (too bad Liberace is dead)
Explore the city solo one day Wait until you start your new job and ask coworkers to tell you what’s cool ** Line up a bunch of online blind dates in your area (sure they’ll be mad at first, but I’ll let them get to second base eventually)
Physical attraction -- unless he has a drool-worthy bod, forget it ** Intrigue -- it doesn’t matter if he’s not conventionally handsome (who the hell would answer this? Oooh, he looks like a serial killer... I’m intrigued. Thanks J-date!) Pedigree -- you won’t fall for him unless he’s good on paper too
In a public area -- the adrenaline rush of possibly being caught is thrilling In a luxe hotel. Your carnal side comes out when you feel pampered ** The brewery, when it’s 98 degrees outside and 100% humidity inside
Mornings. And Mondays. Monday mornings.
Justin Bieber crying.
Justin Bieber smiling.
Fuck. It’s #1 for a reason. It has so many uses.
Film critic (or any critic for that matter)
“You were right.”
Alright, I think that sums everything about me up well. If you have any questions, put them in the comments below and I’ll answer them.